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Greetings from Asbury Park, N.J.

News item: Bruce Springsteen announces the upcoming publication of his autobiography this September.

So, what’s he gonna say?

Bruce Springsteen faces a somewhat different problem than most other rock stars. He has been so open about himself in his songs, interviews and onstage raps that there seems relatively little of substance left to reveal.

If Bruce wants to make a dent in the crowded world of music autobiographies, he’s going to have to do something creative. Something unexpected.

Something maybe like this…

10 Proposed Opening Lines
for Bruce Springsteen’s Autobiography

1. “When I was just a pip, my father’s manservant gave me a piece of useful counsel I have always retained.”

2. “Carsick Crabby, my sister always called me. Carsick Crabby.”

3. “Are you loose?”

4. “Poor man wanna be rich; rich man wanna be king; but on this one particular afternoon, all I wanted was a chicken parm sub.”

5. “OK, here’s the truth: I really met Clarence Clemons for the first time while clothes-shopping one morning at Gimbels. He was buying pink platform shoes.”

6. “Politics is sex. Sex is fear. Fear is motion. And motion is what happens in New Jersey, the cradle of all human instinct.”

7. “When I sing my songs I picture the narrator in my mind. Usually he looks like Jack Klugman. This surprises people for some reason.”

8. “My dearest, earliest memory is the scent of Givenchy.”

9. “Sometimes I think I oughta drink less Yoo-Hoo … but only sometimes.”

10. “Sparks fly on E Street when the boy-prophets walk it handsome and hot.”

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